What inspired you to write this book?
First I was inspired by Margery Williams's original text – The Velveteen Rabbit – and its affect on me as a young mother. I was, on the surface, happy, but I felt some self-doubt and a sense that something was missing. The Velveteen Rabbit helped me realize I wasn't accepting myself, that I wasn't being Real myself, and having real relationships in the way that Williams describes it. The book gave me a chance to explore her ideas and understanding what she was saying in a deeper way. My principles are drawn from the values expressed in the original Velveteen Rabbit story and they are intended to provide a framework for a more meaningful and rewarding life.

Can you define “Real?”
Real is fully accepting and embracing all of who you are. It means learning to love yourself and others specifically, and not generically. A lot of people think they love someone because they fit a generic definition of an ideal man or woman. I think this is why a lot of people are unhappy with themselves and their relationships.

What do you mean by generic?
Generic describes a bland but flawless version of something. When you are talking about people, we look for someone who fits a certain type. Much of this is defined by the media which depicts people as if they were objects or things. For men the ideal type is tall, plenty of hair, financially successful, nice car. For women it's beautiful, slim, adoring, muscular, and large breasts. The generic ideals have nothing to do with the most precious parts of a person, which are, of course, invisible. The trouble with this is you come to look at yourself and other people as if they are things. And things can be rated, upgraded, replaced and discarded.

That sounds pretty extreme. Does this really happen to people?
I've seen it many times in my work as a psychotherapist. People say they hate themselves because they don't meet society's standards, which tell them they have to look and act a certain way to be accepted. For example, successful talented and intelligent women come to me because they cannot stop obsessing over being a little overweight. Spouses replace their partners because a newer model comes along. But it doesn't make them happy for long because they don't understand that what really makes us happy is a loving relationship based on empathy.

In your book you stress empathy. Why is it so important?
I believe that empathy, for yourself and others, is the foundation for a happy life. Empathy is the ability to value your own emotional experience and the emotional experience of others. It allows you to connect with your inner passions and ideals and to connect with others, too. A lack of empathy, what I call Objectification is the cause of a lot of pain, unhappiness and bad behavior in our world.

What are some of the other themes for your principles?
The Velveteen Principles begins with the argument that it is possible, even in a world that pressures us to be generic, to be a Real individual. The other principles help you to do this. They include developing courage, honesty, generosity, and an ethical approach to life and relationships.

Ethics is a pretty powerful topic. Do you tell readers what is right and what is wrong?
No. The book encourages people to look inside themselves and find their own answers. What's right for me may not be right for you. The difference is that a Real person asks the question – is this an ethical choice? – rather than acting automatically.